She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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