there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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