Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i've created a new STD.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
