is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
