I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
