So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
