bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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