If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
