I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
