Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
50% drunk capacity currently
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
