I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
