my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
