im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
