Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
