Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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