Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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