Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
