If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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