i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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