I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
