Your dad touched me again.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
