Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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