I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
