I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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