I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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