i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
