I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
