Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
