I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
