Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
