I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
