well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
