I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
