I am in a vortex of obligation.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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