I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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