woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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