Your dad touched me again.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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