OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
