If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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