if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
