can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
