guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
