I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
