take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize