You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
