Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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