i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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