He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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