she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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