are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My feet surprised me
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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