Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
