You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
