I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
