some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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