Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
