the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i think i scared a bird with my dick
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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