my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
