u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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