ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
