That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
